Day 17

Major technical stuff up with the blog post last night which saw me throw a childlike tantrum and go to bed in a 
huff. This is take two. ;)


Was walking down the street today (slightly down, it was a pretty flat street) and I saw a young woman, quite obviously pregnant, cigarette in hand and puffing away. One of the last social taboos, smoking while pregnant. Almost as bad as not writing to your sponsor kids. This is not going to be the judgmental rant you might expecting.

The first thought that went through my head was 'oh honey, 'don't do that, it's so bad for the bubba. Think of your bubba and stop it.' My next was 'well, she probably already knows that, and wishes she could stop, but she is obviously addicted.' My third thought actually sounded like Dave's voice in my head, saying 'Did you know that nicotine is one of the most addictive substances, more addictive than cocaine?' And my fourth thought (in a very short space of time) was not so much a thought as a wave of empathy, and an impulse to turn around and run after her and tell her 'I know. I know how hard it is, and I understand, and I'm so sorry for judging you.'

"Why do you look at the speck that is in your brothers eye, but you do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" - The Bible

See, I've never smoked a cigarette (nobody ever offered me one... thanks for that.) but I do know what it is to have a habit or behavior I would desperately like to change. And I understand what it is like to lack enough motivation to change it. After all, isn't a habit or persistent behaviour nothing more than a substance addiction to the brain chemicals that the behaviour triggers inside you?

 For example, say you find, oh, i dunno .... popping bubble wrap really soothing and relaxational. When your fingers pinch those tiny pockets of air, your brain sends lots of, lovely 'that feels nice chemicals' whooshing around your bloodstream, leaving you with a sense of calm and well-being. It makes sense that your body will want to replicate this experience - especially under stress - and so it programs you to search out the trigger (bubble wrap). Before you know it, you've got a roll-a-day habit that makes everyone around you grit their teeth in irritation and hide their incoming mail parcels from you. The chemistry might be wild, but the effect is simple.

The  health of your baby, the fear of becoming obese, the loss of your teeth, saving the environment - whatever it is - no matter how important it is to you, the argument has to be really persuasive in order to overcome the fact that you are a junkie for your own brain juices. It's like a war, between my wise, all-knowing Head Meg, and my animal instinct, immediate-gratification Base Meg. All that Head Meg can do is stand in a corner and shout messages of abuse and self-loathing while Base Meg roams about like a heat seeking missile on a destructive rampage, doing whatever it takes to get 'high'... All of it: the sleeping in, the chocolate munching, the whole lot.

So wish I had the weapons to win that war with ease. And I bet that Miss Winnie Blue with the baby on board wishes she did, too. But I do have one big idea, and that's kind of the same one behind this whole sixty days of digging in. I just need to get myself addicted to a whole different bunch of triggers.

Food for thought.