Hey, mums. Ever wondered why your kids don't like you? Tired of the constant tantrums, head butting and angry behaviour? Well, after much research, I have compiled this helpful cheat sheet to help us parents get it right, 100% of the time.
You see, I have discovered that the problem with our kids is pretty much always the answers we give to their questions. So, with this helpful guide, give the right answer every time and have happy, charming little angels. No more incorrect responses. No more upset reactions. It will change your life.
Question 1: Mum, can I have a chocolate biscuit?
Answer: Yes, darling, of course. In fact, have two - and in future, don't feel like you need to ask. Here, let me move them to a lower shelf in the pantry for you, so that you don't have to drag a chair over and climb up.
Question 2: Mum, can I buy this? *holding up item in shop*
Answer: Of course not, sweetie, you don't have enough money. I will stop browsing this shop immediately and buy it for you... and remind me to start putting fifties in your piggy bank.
Question 3: Mum, how come he gets one and I don't? It's not fair.
Answer: You're so right, and I live to see the injustices of your life brought toppling down. So, to make up for this hideous mistake of the universe, I am taking it off him... and giving you a brand new one. If he cries, I will send him away to live with another family.
Question 4: Mum, what can I have to eat while dinner is cooking?
Answer: Ice-cream. Don't worry about a bowl, here's a spoon, eat out of the carton. There's only two litres left, you may as well finish it off. I'll buy more tomorrow.
Question 5: Mum, can we change the channel? I hate this news.
Answer: Me too. I was just thinking how much I wanted to watch Yo Gabba Gabba. Here, I'll pass you the remote.
Question 6: Mum, do I have to go to bed now? I'm not tired.
Answer: Fine, honey. How about we sit on the couch and I will read you stories of your choice until you feel sleepy. Then I will carry you into my bed, so if you wake in the night and need any more stories to get back to sleep, I am right there for you. Or I could sing, if you prefer singing.
Question 7: Mum, I'm bored. Can we go to the park and then McDonalds?
Answer: Okay, but sweetie, are you sure you wouldn't like to go to McDonalds first? Then you could have a little snack, just however much of your Happy Meal you want to eat, and then you could play at the park for as long as you like. It's not like I have anything else I need to get done today. After you get bored there, we could go back to McDonalds for ice-cream. I don't mind - whatever you choose.
Question 8: Mum, can I play games on your phone?
Answer: Sure, baby. Let me just divert all the calls so you don't get interrupted, I can always use a pay phone if I need to call anyone. Oh, and I'm so sorry I only have 84% battery, I accidentally used it as a phone this morning and forgot to plug it back in for you. Did you want to buy any new games? I'll just put my password in... there. Go crazy.
Question 9: Mum, can I have lollies for breakfast?
Answer: No problem, darling. You better skip brushing your teeth afterwards, though, it might ruin the lovely taste in your mouth. I'll just pack you some extra junk food in your lunch box, in case you find that the lollies haven't filled you up very well.
Question 10: Mum, I can't find my *insert important toy here*.
Answer: Oh honey, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I'm stopping whatever I happen to be doing right now, and I'm going to put off my trip to the toilet so that I can find it as soon as possible for you. Don't you worry about looking for it - just stay right there and take your mind off it by watching the cartoon show that has caught your attention. I'm on the hunt. In fact, I'm calling all my girlfriends to come over and hunt, too. I'm sure I was the last person to play with it, anyway. If it doesn't show up within five minutes, we'll just pop down to the shops and buy you a new one. The electricity bill can wait, this month. Hell, I'll buy two of them, so we can keep one safe in the cupboard in case this happens again. Do you think I should get in touch with the police, just in case somebody stole it?
Now, mums. Study this sheet carefully, and I guarantee the results. You will be the BEST mum, ever.
M xx
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